1. Be prepared to deal with all dating issues via text message or email where people can let you down easily without having to show their look of distaste or middle finger to you.
2. Be prepared for the first date to end really well, because the other person doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, only to rely on the first point to tell you there’s really no interest.
3. Be prepared for the other person to presume how you feel so that they have reason to not like you.
4. Be prepared that when you try and explain yourself, they take offense and tell you how awful you are to press the issue. Even if it’s I’m not really interested, they will assume you’re lying, because how could you not be interested. Right?
5. Be prepared…when you move slow they’ll think you don’t like them, when you move fast they’ll get scared and run away, when you do neither they’ll think you’re wishy-washy.
6. Be prepared for the fact that if you sincerely like someone they’ll find a way to make you feel even worse about all of this so you will leave them alone.
7. Be prepared for the fact that this will happen every time and you will start to lose your mind and wonder what’s wrong with you and lose all trust in your instinct in dealing with dates and appear crazy to them.
8. Be prepared for the word friendship to lose all meaning. When they say they want to be friends it means there will be no further contact.
9. Be prepared for all words to lose all meaning through exaggeration so they can convince themselves you’re really not worth it. Being straight forward with someone means you’re being aggressive. Being aggressive means you’re being either crazy or abusive. Finding someone interesting means you have a crush. Having a crush means you want to sleep with them and ignore them.
10. Be prepared to hear that they have no interest in you but expect you to continue acting like you do while they remain ambivalent.
11. Be prepared for the look of fear in their eyes when they have to deal with any real emotions, hence the reason for rule number one.
12. Be prepared for people to want to remain lonely because it’s easier and more difficult for them to get hurt.
13. Be prepared for the fact that you’ll start lying to yourself about how much you don’t care anymore.
14. Be prepared to want to remain lonely and miss opportunities to make real connections with people.
15. Be prepared to forget the worth of friendship as you push everyone away because you’d rather have nothing.
16. Be prepared to be completely unprepared. No matter how much you think you know or prepare youself, there’s nothing to prepare you for what might happen.
17. Be prepared to masturbate…a lot.
18. Be prepared to go through several jolts of sheer creative brilliance, all of your ideas tackling depression and bad relationships or fantasy and science fiction worlds where you can escape everything.
19. Be prepared to start liking your family a little more, because you realize that they understand you a little more than you thought they did.
20. Be prepared to feel embarrassed around your friends cause you’re the only one still standing in a corner by yourself.
21. Be prepared to carry gloom with you whereever you go.
22. Be prepared to have extremely strong reactions to signs of affection in public and bad driving.
23. Be prepared to cry, alone, in your boxers, in front of your computer, while you type lists about how you hate dating in Los Angeles.
24. Be prepared to hate yourself at least half of every month.
25. Be prepared to drop off into strong bouts of imagination in which everything goes really, horribly wrong.
26. Be prepared to have dreams that are far more real and upsetting than they should be.
27. Be prepared to get really excited when a woman wants to hang out with you, even if it is just friendship, and have them take it the wrong way.
28. Be prepared to finally have a great evening, with wonderful conversation, with someone you feel you really could like, who kisses you back or flirts in return…only to have them say they have no interest 3 days later. Yes, there is something biblical about that, only after awhile it’s difficult to resurrect yourself after three days.
29. Be prepared to sit in front of you computer watching several episodes of South Park back to back at southparkstudios.com.
30. Be prepared to agonize over every detail of your life.
31. Be prepared to get tired really easily.
32. Be preapred for major amounts of backpeddling. Before you said all of that I still was interested, now I’m not. Even though in the first instance they told you they were not interested, after already having kissed or cuddled with you.
33. Be prepared for people to have no idea what they want at any particular point in time and for that to start making you have absolutely no idea what you want at any particular point in time.
34. Be prepared for people to come up with the worst excuses.
35. Be prepared for this to continue for more than at least 6 years.
36. Be prepared for either complete dishonesty or abstracted truth or extreme rudeness, no one will want to first talk to you about what you think or feel, instead they will assume and react with what they feel is according behavior.
37. Be prepared for some people to be straight forward and sincere to you, only it occurs after your mind has been warped by the 200 other people who have treated you horribly so you have no idea how to react to it anymore.
38. Be prepared for everyone to be getting out of a bad relationship or still in love with their “ex”.
If you think this is about you, it’s probably not, as I’ve dealt with this over a six year time period. And many of my female friends have also dealt with such things.
All of you people in LA, what do you have to add?
This is research for a script.