Thoughts From a Dying Hand Vol. 1: via an update

My skin is on fire, slowly numbing. I want the pain. If all the feeling goes away, then what will I be? Will I die then? There’s so much I want to say, to so many people as I lay here. To call one would mean disregarding the others. So, I choose a facebook update to say the things I need to say. Hopefully you’ll all see this. All the people it’s meant for.

It’s impossible for me to see how much damage the car took when it hit me. I’m glad I haven’t lost my humor. I heard the screech of the car and didn’t feel the sidewalk under me. God, I’m afraid. Maybe that’s why I’m joking. I should hurry before my fingers give way. I need to focus.

All of these unfamiliar hands press against my skin. All I see are strangers, pretending to care simply because I represent to them frailty. An end to life that will make them consider their own. No one wants to do that, especially with a stranger. My lover isn’t here. The one I love, who I’ve never shared those words with, isn’t here. My family, who loves me simply because I represent them, isn’t here. My friends, whose love is as strong as the current situation allows, are not. I’m dying alone, and this may be the final opportunity…

I wish the words “I love you” came more easily to my lips, but they do not. To some they come too easily. I hear people say them as a good morning or goodnight. Using it in place of “Have a good day”. Has love become so trivial? I’ve loved so strongly it’s scared me. I’ve loved so strongly the mere mention of the words I knew would change everything that lay before me. Those three words have betrayed me. Perhaps I wish they meant less; that I could say them without concern for their true potential impact, as people have done to me.

My lover loves me when I am making them feel pleasure; taking away the struggle of their daily existence. Their love for me feels merely like a love for distraction. Do I love them for the way they make me feel or how I feel about them? My family loves me, because if they did not, they could not love themselves. My friends love me because I represent a part of themselves they relate to. Then how can I say I love anyone before I die? Is it so true what they say, you can’t love anyone until you love yourself, because everyone you love represents a part of yourself?

Then what about the one I truly love? Is it a mirage? Do I want to love hoping that it will feel like I can love myself more? Should I say that I love them even now   that as that as I lie here  as I lie here I feelmake myself melting away there is    love is tthere oeople have decided this for meif I had takem the car I would have tiiime   do love yuo  hopethi s counss

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